To the world at large the myth of Russian military supremacy far exceeded the truth. Putin believed in that myth and his bluster depended on it. But weeks into the war the Ukrainians were still putting up a strong and passionate resistance. Putin had been certain Ukraine would crumble within days of the Russian onslaught.
But it soon became apparent that not only was the Russian military a victim of its own mythology, but also a victim of corrupt Russian oligarchs who embezzled military funds which were diverted into their own bank accounts – bank accounts outside of Russia, it seems, now frozen! The result was terribly outdated military vehicles and equipment all in a state of disrepair, and demoralized soldiers who were not only incredibly underpaid, but, to add insult to injury, were required to pay for their own uniforms and housing. They were practically paying to be in the military! Did I mention they were being fed rations years beyond their expiration date? These severely in debt and malnourished Russian soldiers were then shocked to find themselves in a war with what most considered a brother country. Many Russians had family in Ukraine and vice versa. That their own military had bombed a Ukrainian maternity hospital horrified them. While some may be tempted to say that Russian soldiers were ‘dispirited,’ due to depression and the excessive availability of Russian vodka, the soldiers were more likely ‘overly’ spirited.
This lead to a strategy developed by Ukrainian President Zelenskyy that was not only considered pure genius by the world at large, but had many vociferously declaring that his days as a comedian were not over. If Putin thought the excrutiatingly slow advancement of his military was humiliating, it only showed he had no idea of the depths of humiliation in store for him.
The first phase of Zelenskyy’s two step attack was actually a gift – more vodka. You know, in case the Russian soldiers were running short. Semi-trailers waving white flags approached Russian convoys at key locations. Suspicious soldiers surrounded the vehicles with guns pointed. But when the drivers were forced at gunpoint to open the trucks, inside were revealed thousands and thousands of cases of vodka! The reaction was predictable, so predictable that one Russian general tried to stop it and was immediately shot … by about a hundred bullets all fired simultaneously.
The soldiers freely imbibed while sobbing on the shoulders of the drivers, expressing their shame about the bombings of the maternity hospital and civilian neighborhoods, and having to fight their Ukrainian brothers. Then began the second phase of Zelenskyy’s plan of attack – also in the form of a gift. The drivers informed the soldiers that Zelenskyy was offering the gift of UKRAINIAN CITIZENSHIP to any soldier who surrendered – plus a generous cash payment when personal surrender also included the surrender of any weaponry or military equipment along with a good paying job (construction jobs being in especially high demand!). At the surrender sites they were greeted with the heavy aroma of freshly made borscht and beef stroganoff served by Ukrainian baboushkas!
It was not a plan that would have worked anywhere else. It certainly wouldn’t have worked in Afghanistan. But many Russian soldiers had family in Ukraine. The culture, the food, the churches were almost the same. A citizen could vote in an election that seemed real. And a citizen could crack a joke a Zelenskyy’s expense in a public place and not be imprisoned or disappeared ... or accidently walk off a 10 story building. Most likely Zelenskyy would just crack a joke back that would start with, “Now if you were in Russia …” and end with a hilarious drop dead impression of Putin.
Within two weeks 90% of the Russian military had surrendered. That it took so long was also credited to the state of disrepair of Russian military vehicles (although the aroma of hot borscht and stroganoff sped things up towards the end). It was suggested that more would have surrendered, but Zelenskyy made no offer of pardons for war crimes. A couple weeks later there was a new wave of surrenders. Apparently Russian soldiers not part of the invasion also thought Zelenskyy’s deal was pretty damn good! It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a good bowl of borscht!
Whether this is snark or a genuine report from the future is open for debate.
